6 Food Practices Guaranteed To Make You Emotionally Unavailable

August 30, 2020

Tired of being emotionally manipulated and taken fi idiat? Well, as a resourceful publication, we have compiled the best food practices to help you toughen up.

I know you want to thank us, but, don’t mention. Your hardness is our only concern.

1. Drink Palm Oil Like Your Life Depends On It.

Let’s start with the basics. Why do you think Yoruba men are evil? It’s in the food. These people have been fed loads of palm oil, from birth. And there’s nothing certified to make you emotionally unavailable like palm oil.

You see, palm oil is a lubricant. What it does is that greases all the right and left ventricles of your heart, so that rather than care or simp unnecessarily, you just keep it moving – practically.

Eating bread? Add palm oil. Drinking coke? Add palm oil. Eating Shawarma? Add palm oil. Now come back in three months and tell me if you’ve not become a hard girl.

2. Never Drink Water After Eating.

This logic is self explanatory. DO NOT DRINK WATER AFTER EATING. Stop, as from this moment. Water after food means you’re contented. Having a mentality of contentment, especially with guys, will leave you heartbroken.

Don’t drink water after eating. NEVER. That way you become a raging alpha female. Never satisfied. Swapping men from left to right, looking for whom next to devour. A queen.

3. Eat Plenty Nigerian Rice.

Duh, don’t we all know that Nigerian Rice has a lot of stones. Don’t you want a stone-cold heart? Now eat Nigerian Rice. EAT UP.

More stone intake means a stonier heart. A stonier heart means you won’t find yourself in the parlor while your husband’s marriage is being consummated in the bedroom. It’s all about the stones. Think about it.

4. Drink Gulder.

Growing up, I once lived in this house where the Landlord drank Gulder with Kulikuli. Bruh…was he mean? You can guess he damn right was!

You see, Gulder is the secret sauce to hardness. Nigerian thieves take it, and Nigerian police do, too. Want to be mean? Want to switch up on that guy? Don’t want to be cooking rejected Egusi? DRINK GULLDER. Now, always.

5. Belch More, And Loudly.

Nothing says I don’t care about your existence and/or wellbeing and/or happiness and/or survival like a strong, loud belch. A quaking one that comes in sequences with high and low pitches.

Practice it, exercise it, use it. Men will fear.

6. Normalise Eating Eba At 2am.

Babambari. The king of tactics.

Eat cold eba at 2am. Nothing makes you meaner. If you do this often, even Undertaker will fear you. Don’t worry about your fupa. Real men know real women. Eba is a chow for ritualists. Eating it at 2am is chow of the most emotionally unavailable people, and I know you want to be one. So, eat up.

Doyin Olagunju

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