What She Said: Why I Said No To His Public Proposal

July 22, 2020

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is incredibly difficult. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. 

Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their takes on everything from sex to politics right here.

Whenever a public proposal video where the woman says no surfaces on the internet, it’s usually followed by a litany of assumptions about the cruelty of the woman. No one ever seems to ask why the woman turned down the proposal. Was she unsuspecting? Or not ready to marry? Did she not love him? Or did she not just want to get married? 

This week I ask 4 women who said no to public proposals a simple question – why? 

He blindsided me – Funbi 25

We had been dating for exactly 11 months. I was 21, and he was 30. When we started dating, he said he wanted to marry soon. And I made it crystal clear to him I was nowhere near ready and wouldn’t be for a couple of years. I was only 21, for goodness’ sake. Every couple of months he’d bring it up, and I’d tell him I wasn’t looking to get married until I was at least 26. He’d say he loved me enough to wait and that he understood.

The month before he proposed, he had already told his family without saying a word to me. His younger sister who was my friend told me about because she knew my stance on the marriage issue. When I confronted him about it, he said that his younger sister misinformed me. That he had only told his family that I was the woman he intended to marry in the future. The explanation didn’t sit too well with me, but I accepted it. The next month was my birthday. He threw a big surprise party with most of his family and my friends. The only person who had met him in my family was my sister, and she wasn’t there. After they brought out the cake, a saxophone player came out. I thought it was part of the party only for him to get down on one knee. I bent down to whisper the no in his ear. That he should please stand up so we could go talk about it somewhere private. Baba refused to stand up, he said would not take no for an answer. So I walked out. When I got home, I texted him that we were done. I felt no pity for him because I felt like what he did was very manipulative. 

It wasn’t the right time for us – Seyi, 28 

I loved him deeply, and I wanted to say yes, but it wasn’t the right time for us to get married and I had told him before he proposed. We had been dating for about 6 years, most of which was in our university days. As at the time he proposed, he was in-between jobs, and I was working at a dead place collecting eighty thousand naira per month.

The first time we had the marriage conversation, it came up naturally. We talked about how much we loved each other and wanted to devote ourselves to each other. It was very sweet. A couple of weeks after he started asking me what type of ring I wanted. I told him to calm down, that there was no need for a ring or a proposal yet. Because once we did that, our families would start pressuring us to get married. The month after we had that conversation, he got a high-paying job. He had not even collected his first salary when he planned with some of my friends to get me to a private room in a restaurant for a surprise proposal.

When I got there, there were about ten people, 3 or 4 of his friends and 5 of mine. He already had ‘will you marry me’ balloons and roses set out. Before he could even get on one knee or bring out the ring, I took him aside and told him we had talked about this and agreed to wait. He said we did, but he had gotten a great job now, so what was the problem. I asked him, ‘Me nko? You think when I was saying I want us to be set in life, I was only talking about you?’ He got pretty upset and his friends had to take him home to calm him down. I and my friends sat down to eat the food that we were supposed to use to celebrate. I let him cool off for a couple of days before going to see him. I knew the biggest problem was just that his ego was bruised. We are still dating now and we’ll probably marry next year. 

I was pregnant; I said no – Kate, 30 

This happened when I was 25. I was seeing one of those men so foolish that everyone in my life complained about him. We weren’t even dating seriously; we were pretty much just fooling around regularly. That was how I got pregnant. When I told him he pulled a ‘Are you sure I’m the father?’ Followed by a ‘So what do you want to do about it? Abort it? That was when I truly understood the depth of his foolishness.

A week after he came back to beg that he was sorry, and he wanted to be involved in the baby’s life. I told him no problem. By then I had already told my family that I was pregnant. I had also told them that the father of the child wasn’t interested in raising the child. So they didn’t even bother looking for him. When I told my mum he had come back to declare interest in the child, she didn’t even want to hear it. After declaring that he was ready to take part in the child’s life, he ghosted for another three months.

Only for him to come one day with his mother and an uncle to tell me he thinks we should get married. It was very clear that his mother was the one pulling the strings, and I told them to fuck off. It wasn’t a public proposal the way you see it in the movies, but he really came with family members to my family home. I know he was expecting the presence of family to pressure me. Thankfully, my family was firmly on my side. My baby girl is it 5 now and the idiot that wanted to get married has only seen her twice this year. 

He tried to propose after he cheated – Kemi 28

We had been dating for two years when I found out he was cheating in the worst of ways. He had dumped his side chick for another side chick, so the first side chick decided to come to me as a woman. I confronted him, he begged, he cried and promised it would never happen again, for some reason I stayed but the relationship wasn’t the same and he could tell. I became more withdrawn from him and would get paranoid whenever he went out at night. I finally talked about it with him and told him we needed to find a way to work through our issues or just end things already.

Instead of him to work on putting to bed my trust issues, he decided to propose. He did it at his apartment with a couple of mutual friends present. I walked in to find him already on one knee. It was seeing him at that moment with his stupid friends who knew he was cheating standing around him; I knew that I had to get out of the relationship. I mumbled ‘No, I’m sorry’ and entered his bedroom. He came after me looking genuinely confused. He said cheating on me, and my finding out made him realize how much he couldn’t do without me. I told him it made me realize that I could do better than him. And I picked up my bag and walked out of his house. He kept begging and sending his friends to beg, but I still said no. Once people heard that we were done, so-called friends started telling me about how he was cheating with one person or the other from the very beginning of our relationship. He’s engaged now, and I genuinely pity the girl.

You'll like this

August 1, 2020

We all know losing weight is tough, but gaining weight flips both the script and the switch on that struggle. Even more so because people never take your struggle seriously. Apparently, if the issue being discussed is weight then weight gain takes all the attention while weight loss remains the underrated topic no one ever […]

July 27, 2020

The cramps, nausea, and insane cravings are not the only things Nigerian women have to deal with during their period. 7 Nigerian women had a quick chat with me about their most cringe-worthy period experience. Jennifer  My experience was really awful. I had an ex-boyfriend who would complain and call me lazy for having cramps […]

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

August 12, 2020

Nigerians are pros when it comes to dodging paying people back their money. They’ll give you any excuse on God’s green earth to avoid repaying you your money. Remember when we talked about catching the people owing you money? Here are some of the most ridicuously Nigerian excuses you’ll hear from Nigerians when its time […]

Recommended Quizzes

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz:

October 10, 2019

2019 is certainly Burna Boy’s year, but, if we are being honest, so was 2018. Since his transcendent mixtape, Outside, the afro-fusion star has refused to get his foot of our necks — dropping a string of fantastic singles and then capping it all off with his career-best album, African Giant.  So, in a bid […]

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

November 19, 2019

Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out: Only People With Nigerian […]

More from Her

August 11, 2020

Are you tired of your basic 9-5 and thinking of a career change? Well, here is how to be a prostitute in Nigeria 1) Wear an Anklet This singular piece of jewelry has basically cemented your place as a certified prostitute 2) Drive a car Obviously the only reason you are driving a car is […]

August 10, 2020

Nigerian women have a lot to get off of their chest in regards to Nigerian men. Last week, it was about problems with dating Nigerian men. Now, here are 10 things Nigerian women want Nigerian men to know. Sade Porn is not real life. For goodness sake, I will not be doing snake in the […]

August 6, 2020

Finding someone of the same sex attractive is more common than you think. More often than not, we get curious enough to explore that option Today, 6 Nigerian women share their first time experience with a woman. 1. Favour, 20/ Lesbian It was in secondary school. The first time I noticed her laugh, I felt […]

August 3, 2020

Housing is a problem for a lot of Nigerians. It is not uncommon to find several people squatting together in a small apartment. I spoke to a 25 year old woman who has been evicted thrice because of her vagina. How did everything start? My first memory of being evicted happened in my 300 level […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X