Hello there!
And to all the men who have been gravely misled by Esquire magazine, welcome to your roast.
We all know guys have strong opinions, seriously tough ones, about women’s sexual performance, but we have news for you. Women have got some – not at all nice – things to say about you men, too.
Yesterday, a blessed soul made a Twitter call for women to air your dirty laundry and boy, did it stink!
https://twitter.com/moscaddie/status/628967610500141060
This is women not-subtly-at-all telling you to stop doing all the annoying stuff you think they enjoying (They do NOT).
So guys, here are 27 things you need to learn about sex with women:
1. It’s not a jar of candy, stop trying to put your whole hand inside.
@moscaddie When they try to put their whole hand in so they can wave excitedly to your ovaries
— haycab (@haylgnar) August 5, 2015
What are you waving at? Are you the queen of England?
2. Orgasms are not charity. Put your back into the work.
@moscaddie assuming that we see cunnilingus as a selfless act & will have a pity orgasm for even the clumsiest & most dispassionate oral.
— girl enough (@spinsterwolf) August 5, 2015
Go on, lick!
3. All women are not the same.
@moscaddie Honestly, the number 1 thing I hate is when they assume they know what will get me off b/c it got someone else off
— 😳🌸😷 (@Blushingflwr) August 5, 2015
I feel like that goes without saying.
4. Not dishes, stop scrubbing.
https://twitter.com/SuzanEraslan/status/628970443119173632
LMAO! No chewing. Why do I even have to tell you this?
5. Down there? Not a red wine stain. Gently please.
https://twitter.com/WeWantKandy/status/620147717633748992
Smh
6. You’re not going to strike gold, please stop hammering.
https://twitter.com/koalaincognito/status/628970948566368256
Are you trying to break ground?
7. It’s not a kettle you rub for magical favours.
https://twitter.com/babyhorselegs/status/628971028912467968
Some action required.
8. Who messed you up?
@moscaddie oh also: doing things w/o warning (like,,,.if u wanna put ur balls in my mouth pls ask first?)
— hot yeehaw bitch (@babyhorselegs) August 5, 2015
Answer’s probably no, but please ask.
9. This isn’t a board game.
@moscaddie continuously asking 'are you gonna cum?' like they're getting bored and want to go home
— chuck 🐦💐 (@charlubby) August 5, 2015
Seriously?
10. It’s not football, no commentary needed.
https://twitter.com/stavvers/status/628971616718966784
Announcements?
11. LMAO! No Lizard flicks.
https://twitter.com/maggiejh3/status/628973656769560576
LOL!
12. When women say “just like that”, they actually mean “just like that”.
https://twitter.com/jdotsett/status/628969294383071232
Not faster, not slower, JUST LIKE THAT!
13. Let me just go buy batteries, my friend.
https://twitter.com/churlishmeg/status/628974593903054848
Why are you now here?
14. Make a sound if you’re still alive – or enjoying it. Ugh!
@moscaddie weird silence throughout so you have no idea if anything's working for them ever
— Jenny Hamilton (@readingtheend) August 5, 2015
Don’t throw your girl into a state of confusion.
15. This is not a drainage, you garbage person!
https://twitter.com/laurelita/status/628968358843551744
Yes, we know it will get there anyway. Just don’t spit.
16. No “trial and error” before I backhand you.
https://twitter.com/maggiejh3/status/628969984639700993
You’re going to have to get the “okay” first before you put it in the back.
17. You’re not Leonardo Di Caprio. Get your head back down.
https://twitter.com/babytriggy/status/628972094823530496
Warm up session’s not over.
18. Remember the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it”?
https://twitter.com/uncoolestgirl/status/628980077997490176
Well, yeah. No one screams for vanilla.
19. You’re not Barney Stinson.
@moscaddie and also there was the time a guy referred to himself in the third person multiple times during sex
— hot yeehaw bitch (@babyhorselegs) August 5, 2015
I repeat, you’re not Barney Stin… never mind.
20. And it’s not Shawarma.
@moscaddie have had a few different partners CHOMP DOWN on my clit like they were trying to bite it off my body, too ???? what is that ????
— samsquantch (@samsquantchhh) August 5, 2015
Don’t go swallowing someone’s pride.
21. Just… NO.
@typicalfeminist @moscaddie a couple of guys have used their nose as a tongue substitute during oral sex. That's.. Weird.
— Rachael (@typoxia) August 5, 2015
That would feel like being nudged by a dog. Not sexual at all. In case you were wondering.
22. This is not okay.
https://twitter.com/AtlasSmugged/status/628993958526492673
You literally came and left through the back.
23. There are no stress balls on a woman’s body.
@moscaddie why they blow on ur vagina. why do they grab ur boob like its a stress ball.
— Beth McColl (@imteddybless) August 5, 2015
Also your mouth is not a fan.
24. Not a musical instrument.
@moscaddie smacking the clit like they're performing a furious bongo solo
— chuck 🐦💐 (@charlubby) August 5, 2015
LMAOOO!
25. Come on, leave it as you met it.
https://twitter.com/MoneyMadi/status/629003573532225536
It’s the least you can do.
26. Ridiculous.
@moscaddie "do u like that? u like that big dick?" um less and less thanks
— gravy jones (@kickabug) August 5, 2015
I can’t.
27. Go hard or go home.
https://twitter.com/mistresswhat/status/628990969539653632
All puns intended.
The women have spoken. No need for mock outrage or feelings of guilt, guys. Just do better.