Presented without commentary, seven of the most photographed places in Lagos would like to vent.
These are their words.
1) Lekki Conservation Centre:
“They won’t say anything because they’re nice but people are sick and tired of hearing about how you almost died of fright on the canopy walkway. Also, me, you, and Jesus know that you never learned how to play chess. So you’re fooling absolutely no one by posing with the giant chess pieces with a pensive look on your face, you fucking fraud.”
“That being said, y’all’s patronage keeps me open so feel free to mosey on down whenever you feel like deceiving people on Facebook into believing that you have an active social life.”
2) Lekki-Ikoyi Link Bridge:
“I don’t have the stats to back this up (because I’m a bridge) but I’m pretty sure Kim Kardashian has nothing on me when it comes to being photographed. At first, I loved all the attention I was getting. I’m pretty much a discount Golden Gate bridge rip-off so it makes sense that literally every photographer wanna-be with a cheap camera would want a picture of me at sunset or some shit like that. But now, the other bridges are beefing me (Third mainland bridge hasn’t spoken to me in years). It’ll be great if y’all just chill with the pictures for a little while so the other basic bridges can stop feeling bad.”
“Also, to all those people who run across me, pretending to exercise while they cruise for sex, I’m judging the hell out of you.”
3) Nike Art Gallery:
“You might pretend like you’re here to admire the over 7000 pieces of art in me but the truth is you couldn’t care less about art. You’re only here to take the 30 pictures you’ll upload to Instagram over the next 15 weeks. And you know what?
That’s perfectly fine.
Be sure to show up with frizzy hair, dressed in a tie & dye shirt, fanny pack made out of beads, and rusted nose ring so that when you upload four of the pictures to Twitter with some incredibly cliche caption like, “Art is Life,” you’ll blend in perfectly with the woke crowd.”
4) The Tea Room:
“Some of you make me wish my interior wasn’t so pretty. My price list isn’t even insane like some of these other restaurants engaging in highway robbery on a daily but you people just come in, get the cheapest thing on the menu and dive into the flowers to start photoshoots. You disgust me.”
5) Hardrock Cafe:
“If all you do when you come here is take pictures with the sign outside, who’s going to eat my wildly overpriced burgers, huh? WHO’S GOING TO EAT THEM?!”
6) Nok by Alara:
“You know what? I’m not even offended. If someplace tried to sell me three pieces of gentrified puff puff (insanely spelt as pof pof ) for ₦800, I’d only go there to take pictures too.”
7) The Cathedral Church Of Christ:
“All y’all sinners need to take your china phones with 5-megapixel cameras and get the hell out of me! GET OUT! GO! So help me, I will call on lightning to strike…”
