The Zikoko Guide To Hacking Sallah Meat

August 20, 2018

You deserve the good things in life like Sallah meat, so we want you to get the most out of it. The thing about enjoying Sallah as a non-Muslim is that you need a strategy and a plan and we are here to help you figure that out.

The first thing you need to do is make a list of all your Muslim friends and wish them happy Sallah.

Don’t forget to ask what time you should come around for your Sallah meat.

When you are done making your calls, make a list of all the sure places you are going to get Sallah meat.

After making a list you now have to map out your waka. If you are getting Sallah meat from two places in Ikeja and one place in VI, you can’t go to Ikeja, then V.I, then come back to Ikeja again.

Set out all your nylons and plastic packs tonight.

play along

You are going to set out early in the morning, so you won’t have time to be looking for nylon.

Go early so you can help the people you are collecting meat from arrange chair and table.

If they notice you, you’ll get extra meat.

Don’t wear anything too tight you have to dress up like you are ready to die on the line.

You want to eat Sallah rice but you are wearing high waisted jeans. You are obviously not ready for life.

Don’t waste time in one place, collect all the meat you can and keep it moving.

The more places you hit, the more meat for you.

Don’t be disrespectful and show up at anyone’s house before they came back from prayers.

Please remember your home training.

Buy flagyl down because you will know you won Sallah when you spend the next day sitting over the toilet seat.

If anything must kill man, let it be enjoyment – Albert Einstein, 2018

Avoid soft drinks through out the day until you are ready to retire for the day.

The only thing you want filling your stomach up is Sallah meat and firewood Jollof.

Don’t venture out alone, assemble a crew of two or three people.

The more the merrier.

If you are stopping by a stranger’s house, then greet them properly don’t just enter the house and start looking for Sallah meat like you don’t have home training.

“Salam Aleikum, Happy Sallah”

If you have any other tips to help us collect plenty Sallah meat, please share don’t let us dull.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

January 26, 2021

Times are tough for everyone. But for people whose friends earn more or have a higher purchasing power, social anxiety is always a thing. This is definitely not fun. In this article, 5 Nigerians talk about what it means to be the ‘broke friend’ and everything that comes with it. Dayo, 26 My friend buys […]

January 26, 2021

Growing up, Max* hated dresses and, for that reason alone, he loathed Sundays when his parents demanded that he and his younger sister wore a dress and a head covering as they went to church.  ‘‘I wore a skirt to school from Monday to Friday, but it was the dresses on Sunday that really made […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 19, 2019

Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out: 11 Quizzes For The […]

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

More from Oldies

February 12, 2020

Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone. Okay, let’s not […]

February 8, 2020

Yes, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Love notes, chocolates, hampers, and everything that comes with it. But while everyone is being hit by cupid’s arrow, there are some people who don’t even feel the hype. If you’re one of them, then grab a seat at this table. 1. You, when you hear that Valentine is […]

February 8, 2020

In case you have not realised it, Nigerians have a PhD in lying. Multiple PhDs, even. And there are some people who are professors in the art of lying, but we will keep that conversation for another day. Anyway, here is a list of common lies Nigerians tell. Don’t lie, we know you must told […]

February 8, 2020

Anyone who grew up in a Nigerian household understands that the Saturday routine does not change. It is the same yesterday, today and forever. If you are a true Nigerian, then you’ll understand these pictures and their connection to Saturday mornings. 1. Morning devotion by 6:00 AM. In which your parents can slap you for […]

February 8, 2020

Growing up, Saturdays used to be fun thanks to Cadbury Nigeria and Silverbird television. However, these days, as an adult, Saturdays are filled with unfinished work from the week before. If you are lucky, maybe a nice outing or mild to moderate fornication. Still, all these don’t fill the void the way cartoons used to […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X