Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual woman who has only ever enjoyed sex with older men. Since she got married 10 years ago, she’s only enjoyed sex with her sugar daddies.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was an avid Mills & Boon reader from around age 14. By the time I was 16 and leaving secondary school, I wanted to have sex. One evening, a neighbour tried to force me to give him a blow job. I bit him and ran. I became afraid and a little more determined to be in control after that. So when I had sex with the first guy that toasted me in 100 level, I didn’t tell him I was a virgin. The sex was horrible.
You could tell it was horrible even though you didn’t have much to compare it to.
Yes. I knew he must have done something wrong because I had done plenty of research and was actively masturbating and giving myself orgasms.
So what happened after that horrible experience?
I dumped him. A few weeks later, I started sleeping with a much older guy who had a ‘permanent’ girlfriend. The sex was great and thus began my serial adventures.
How old was he?
He was 30. We used to have sex almost everyday. At a point, I was practically attending classes from his house. One evening, we were in the middle of sex in the bathroom when this guy’s babe started knocking. He refused to open and she cried and shouted for hours. Years later, I would use that as a reason not to trust any man: all guys cheat.
In fact, after I got bored and we stopped seeing each other, I started sleeping with a 34-year-old who was married and lived in another city. I was still actively dating someone in school.
That lasted a few years until the guy’s wife came all the way to the city I was in to beg me to stop sleeping with her husband. I felt so bad and humiliated; I didn’t date a married man again for many years.
What was the sexual relationship with the person you were dating in school like?
The sex was crappy. The guy thought he was a stud. All the girls in school wanted him and were angry he was dating me — if only they knew. I think I hung on to him for the cool factor. He was my alcohol and party plug. He also had a car in school.
Did you date any young person in university that you genuinely enjoyed sex with?
Nope. Except for that one time I dated someone who was about two years older. The sex was good, but he was too lovey dovey. That constantly irritated me.
What happened after university?
I dated another older guy. He must’ve been in his 40s. I even spent some months living with him. He was a sex animal. One time he brought a girl home, had sex with her in one room, then had sex with me in another. I knew she was there and didn’t care. Another time he brought one girl for both of us to have a threesome with.
The problem with this guy was that he was very controlling. He was the first person I dated that made me realise that men want to have you for themselves. They want to be free to do as they like, but they don’t want you to have anyone else. After him, I refused to date for a long time.
Were you having sex during this time?
Yes. I had an off and on thing with a guy from my hometown. We still call each other the loves of our lives
A few years back, I still had something with him. He’s married and I’m married as well, so it ended badly. He wanted to leave his wife and I felt he was just using me. We have great sex, but our friendship is more important, so I cut him off.
When did you get married?
2010. I was 29. My family was mounting pressure on me to get married. I had a boyfriend I barely liked and he desperately wanted to marry me, so I said why not. I already knew I would be a bad wife. I didn’t want a husband.
What was the sex like with him before marriage?
It sucked then. It still sucks now. My partner is very lazy in bed and I don tire to complain.
Is the marriage any different from the sex?
Hmm. Not really.
I did not start out with the intention to cheat. I have had difficulties carrying a pregnancy to full term — I’ve had seven miscarriages and we’re still childless. In his nonchalant attitude towards joining me in finding a lasting medical solution, I met an older man. The first of three older men.
Tell me about him.
He’s 20 years older and divorced. I met him at one work thing; we just started talking, one thing led to another and he said he wanted to have sex with me. I said to myself, ‘Why not?’ It might be better than what you are currently getting. And boy was it better, far better. He was always buying me gifts. I became so used to having extra money, I had to break it off after he became clingy and wanted to marry me. Around this time, I was considering ending my marriage, but family pressure prevailed and I stayed.
What happened next?
I moved away from home (and my husband) to another city for work and that’s how I met this rich politician. He’s married, but his wife and three kids live in another country, so he lives as though he is single. We were sex buddies for a long time and though the sex wasn’t all that, I kept seeing him because he was good with dropping money. At this point, I wanted to try getting pregnant with someone else to see if it would stay and my husband would be forced to divorce me. I told this man and he refused. He said that he had enough children.
You’re really determined to have kids.
I have always wanted children even when I didn’t want a husband. If I had known things would turn out like this, I would have just tried getting pregnant instead of getting married. I love children. I know the responsibilities involved in having children. I practically raised my last sibling and one of my nieces. Not having children gives you a measure of freedom, I know, but I still want them. Children of your own make a difference. There’s a bond separate from what you have with your nieces and nephews.
Fair. So what happened after? Did you end things?
Yeah, things ended and for two years after that, I was alone. I only had sex once or twice a year, whenever I saw my husband. Remember, we didn’t live in the same city, so we didn’t see each other all the time.
The sex was still the same old boring sex.
Sad. What’s your sex life these days?
I am on my third sugar daddy and, honestly, he is the best. The sex is great, I have mindblowing double orgasms. What they say about ijaw men is true. Imagine a 55-year-old who gives great career advice, corrects my academic papers, encourages me to start a PhD, is generous to a fault and has mad bedroom skills and stamina.
I make a lot of money, but my friend, there’s nothing like free money to spend on gold and live the baby girl lifestyle.
Mad. Have you tried bringing up the baby issue with him?
Oh yes. He has agreed to start trying on the condition that I stop sleeping with my husband. I have agreed totally. If I can get pregnant and carry to term I would be eternally grateful to him and thank God he’s not looking for a wife now or anytime in the future.
We recently just got tested just so we can start having unprotected sex.
I should mention that I am also trying to adopt legally, but the process is frustrating in Nigeria.
I’m super curious about your relationship with your husband. I know it’s not working, but how do you manage the long distance?
It just works. I’ve asked for separation and he didn’t agree, so.
I don’t like being married and if I had to advise my younger self, I would tell her not to bow to the pressure of getting married. Marriage is not for everyone. Yes, I want children. Yes, I like sex. But I am a serial monogamist and I think marriage in the Nigerian sense is not really beneficial for people like me. Unless one is lucky to meet a really great person
Fair enough. Do you think he might also be cheating?
Hmm. Let me just mention that he now has two children. He had one before we got married. He had another one a few years ago. I didn’t want to bring that up, so it doesn’t sound like an excuse for sleeping with others. My dear, life is not straightforward.
It’s not. So, how would you rate your sex life?
7 over 10. I get great sex now, but not as often as I would want because we are both busy. But he’s so good and he has money for his baby girl. My dear, what more can I ask for?
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