The 10 Stages Of Becoming A Nigerian Politician

October 24, 2020

Becoming a Nigerian politician is a long and tedious process many people are unwilling to go through. But we’ve hacked it for you and broken it down into these 10 simple steps so that you can become a Nigerian politician and start living your best life.

1. You have to start by becoming a political activist.

Call out corrupt politicians on every platform possible and amass a large following. Renounce politics and all politicians because they are the devil’s spawn. Make it clear that you’d rather sell your kidney than become one of them.

2. When you’ve become a very well known activist and a voice of the people, use your popularity to collect political appointment from the same people you were criticising.

After you collect your appointment jump through hoops to defend your appointees and blame everything on the previous government. Rain is falling too much? The previous government embezzled the money that was meant to pay rainmakers to hold the rain.

3. Now, start making promises that you have no intention of ever keeping.

You will give Nigerians 24/7 light and free WiFi. You will build 20 schools in one week. You will reduce the exchange rate to $1 to ₦1. With you, corruption shall go to an early grave.

4. As you progress in your political career decide whether it’s broom or umbrella you want to be carrying.

There are 68 political parties in Nigeria but you know the fastest way to get a post is to carry broom or umbrella.

5. Next find yourself a godfather or godmother to sponsor your career.

Image

You think political campaigns are cheap? Better be ready to drop it down low so you can get sponsorship.

6. Practice your fighting skills especially if you are gunning for a place in the National Assembly.

Maybe ask Uncle Dino for some tips.

7. You have to show Nigerians that you are one of them.

You might be worth millions of (laundered) naira but that doesn’t mean you will stop taking okada or buying corn on the road like the average Nigerian.

The script is to act like you feel their plight, so get in character and act like your life depends on it.

8. As a politician you also need to get yourself security by whatever means.

Hire cultists, militants or religious extremists. What’s your business if they end up becoming a terrorist group because you funded them.

9. You have to get your wardrobe on check too. Get a tailor to sew plenty agbadas for you.

Only make white. White is the colour of serious politicians.

10. Once a year share bags of rice to a few people and take a thousand pictures.

Bathroom slippers too isn’t a bad idea. Depends on the kind of message you intend to pass.

Image

Any time Nigerians accuse you of not doing your job publish the pictures online to show them that you are a very hardworking politician.

Now that we’ve shown you the way go forth and flourish as the baby girl or baby boy politician we know you have the potential to be.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Lagos state bike ban
February 3, 2020

As many of you know and as some of you can attest through the sweat that soaked through your baffs on the way to work, the Lagos State government has banned bikes/Okadas and Napeps/tricycles from plying major roads in the state. Now it might not feel like it, but bike men/keke napeps drivers should feel […]

Nigeria recession
November 23, 2020

Recession, palliative, ad-hoc committee, ultra-modern, bistro — you can’t claim to be a Nigerian if you’ve never heard these words. They are so popular, we wrote about them. Speaking of recession, on Saturday, November 22nd, 2020, the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics reported that Nigeria’s GDP (Gross Domestic Product) reduced by 3.62% from September to October […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

November 30, 2020

This is #NairaLife, episode 96. What’s your oldest memory of money? I’d say not having a lot of it. My dad had money, but it did not seem that way. I felt we were poor. I remember back in secondary school, I had to wear worn-out shoes and bags, my uniforms were not anything to […]

November 30, 2020

Yesterday, many parts of Nigeria experienced a complete blackout. Someone that knows someone that knows someone said it was the national grid that collapsed for the 482819th time. We don’t know why this happens all the time. It just does. So we made a list of things you should do while you’re waiting for them […]

November 29, 2020

The idea of a blind date sounds exciting, but nobody really knows what they’re getting themselves into. It can go rather well or horribly wrong. Let’s tell you a short story. One you probably know too well. 1. You are on your lane when your friends decide to set you up on a date You […]

Nigerian Army testifies SARS panel
November 29, 2020

The Nigerian Army has shared their testimony twice at the Lagos State Judicial Panel of Inquiry and Restitution For Victims of SARS Related Abuses. At Zikoko Citizen, we have been following the “Lagos SARS panel” ever since the panel was inaugurated, and we have also been present at the panel hearing on the two occasions […]

Recommended Quizzes

February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

More from Inside Life

November 30, 2020

Yesterday, many parts of Nigeria experienced a complete blackout. Someone that knows someone that knows someone said it was the national grid that collapsed for the 482819th time. We don’t know why this happens all the time. It just does. So we made a list of things you should do while you’re waiting for them […]

November 29, 2020

The idea of a blind date sounds exciting, but nobody really knows what they’re getting themselves into. It can go rather well or horribly wrong. Let’s tell you a short story. One you probably know too well. 1. You are on your lane when your friends decide to set you up on a date You […]

November 29, 2020

While you were off sleeping when your mates were out painting the town red, contestants of reality TV show MTN Y’ello Star were turning up the volume at the craziest party. Sponsored by Music Time, the party featured celebrity DJ Kaywise and tons of fun. Here are our favourite moments from the party. 1. The […]

November 29, 2020

If your friend has these TV habits, they’re probably a cultist. This goes without saying, but you need to run for dear life. 1. When you start a show together, they leave you behind without waiting for you to catch up Deep down, they think you are too much baggage and about how they can […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X