7 Things You Need To Do When You Start Making Bastard Money

September 2, 2020

As a Nigerian, subtlety shouldn’t be your strongest suit. You need to let people know when you secure the bag. You know how they say money stops nonsense. If you’re not sure how to tastefully do this, let the following suggestions guide you:

1. Hold a stack of cash to your ear every time you take a picture

Make sure it’s dollars. That’s the only acceptable currency.

2. Invest in a bunch of gold chains, rings, and watches

The bling won’t bling itself.

3. This goes without saying, but you can only use Apple products

iPhone X, iWatch and MacBook - freestocks.org - Free stock photo

You know, the trio — an iPhone, a Macbook, and an iWatch. Throw in an airpod for good measure

4. Get yourself a nice British accent to match

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Something befitting of your status, innit?

5. At least once a week, record a Snapchat video showing off your wardrobe

stacey dash closet GIF

I mean, there are necks to be pressed

6. Pretend to be mad when someone complains about the exchange rate

To be honest, though, you can’t relate.

7. Offer to borrow your friends money and forget to collect it back

We rise by lifting others.

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September 9, 2019

This week, it’s the first couple ever – they’ve been dating for about a year, and they’ll be letting us peek into their lives. They’re both 28 and currently earn ₦400k – cute coincidences. Both of you are my first couple ever. Them: Litttt! Her: Let’s go! Him: Oya oya. When did you first clock […]

June 3, 2019

Every week, we ask anonymous people to give us a window into their relationship with the Naira – their secret Naira Life. When was the first time you earned money? A scholarship when I was in 100-level. The money wasn’t coming to me – it was going to my dad’s account – but it was […]

December 9, 2019

If you’ve been reading #NairaLife long enough, then you probably know I’m currently on the #JollofRoad, our West African road trip. Along the way, I’ve found all kinds of people. And what good is it if I don’t run into people and ask them about their finances? The subject of today’s story lives in Abuja, where […]

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October 19, 2020

1. Food If you don’t have groceries at home, I don’t know what to tell you. With everything going on, it might be a little difficult or even near impossible to order food from restaurants. But hey, na who dey alive dey order food. 2. Data We’ve all seen how social media has played a […]

October 19, 2020

I’m pretty sure nobody saw the #EndSARS protests coming. Since the 7th of October 2020, when Runtown and Falz announced a demonstration at the Lekki Toll Gate, the movement has spread like wildfire to every corner of Nigeria. Protests are springing up in almost every state and people are catching on to demand better for […]

October 19, 2020

Women have been said to be at the forefront of this protest. Although some people say women should not join the protest, they did anyway. We asked six Nigerian women why they joined the #EndSARS protests. Linda, 21 Every day I spend on the road, is for the women and the queers. Police brutality affects […]

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October 19, 2020

Tell me about your oldest memory of money. Hmm, I didn’t acknowledge the existence of money till I was in secondary school. Prior to that, whatever I needed was always provided. I’m not saying that this changed in secondary school, but there was a stark difference between what my mates had and what I had. […]

October 13, 2020

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week. The subject of today is Femi, a writer at Zikoko. He talks about […]

October 8, 2020

If you’re one of those people who like to hide their money from family and friends, then this list is for you: 1) Deflect comments and compliments. Some examples: “Don’t whine me.” “It’s not like that.” 2) Always say “we thank God.” Person: How are things? You: We thank God. Person: How will you buy […]

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Tell me about the day you knew something wasn’t right.  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling funny. I’d slept like two hours earlier, but something woke me up. I decided to check my blood pressure  – I’m hypertensive.  Wait, how old are you?  27 soon. Anyway, I checked my BP, and […]

September 24, 2020

Being a corps member has to be one of the most stressful phases in the life of a Nigerian youth. And you know what makes it all the more stressful? The money aspect. It is never enough. 1. The struggle of waiting for allowance every month. Especially when it’s already 20-something on the calendar and […]

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