Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I decided to shake things up by recapping a movie instead. For the first movie in the series, I picked the infamous Polish erotic romantic drama film, ‘365 Days’.
This movie was actually released back in February 2020 but didn’t pick up steam until it hit Netflix in June, 4 months later. Then no one allowed me to hear word on the internet because of it. Everywhere I turned, there were people fantasizing about being kidnapped while on vacation by an Italian hunk named Massimo. I was going to ignore it but then I heard that the movie is complete garbage, and my interest was piqued.
The movie starts with a conversation between the leader of an Italian Mafia family and a group of guys looking to sell teenage girls into sex slavery.
Mafia leader’s son, Massimo, is spying on a woman on the beach. Mafia Leader tells his son to stop being a harlot and focus because the business will be his one day. Then they both get shot by someone (some people?) and Mafia leader dies.
5 years pass and we’re introduced to the female protagonist named Laura. Laura comes home after a hard day at work and attempts to bump genitals with her boyfriend, Martin, (who looks like a discount Michael Chiklis) but he rebuffs her advances, citing her weak heart as his reason. She goes to her bedroom and masturbates. At the same time, Massimo is receiving the most dramatic blow job I have ever seen from an air hostess on his private jet. Both scenes are shown to us at the same time.
The reason for this sequence is still unknown.
To celebrate her birthday, Laura goes on vacation to Italy with her asshole boyfriend, Martin, and her friend, Olga. At some point, she runs into Massimo, who asks her if she’s lost and then vanishes. Laura’s asshole boyfriend ignores her and hangs out with his buddies the whole time because he’s an asshole so she confronts him, storms off by herself, and is promptly kidnapped.
She wakes up in a fancy house and comes across a giant painting of her…
…after which Massimo appears in the room and repeats what he said to her the first time they met.
She recognizes him and faints. She wakes up later to find him shoving a block of ice in her mouth to suck on because her heart condition made her body react negatively to the sedative used during the kidnapping.
Whatever, I guess.
He proceeds to tell her how he decided to kidnap her after seeing her at the airport when she landed in Italy. He reveals she’s the woman he was checking out on the beach right before he and his father got shot 5 years prior, and he wants her to be his, giving her 365 days to fall in love with him. He tells her that he won’t touch her without her permission and THEN PROCEEDS TO GRAB HER BOOB in a moment of passion and chokes her whenever she talks back to him. Laura tries to escape while screaming about how she has a boyfriend and Massimo informs her that he’s sent her boyfriend a staged breakup note from her. When she’s like “WTF?!”, he shows her proof of her boyfriend’s infidelity (super clear photos of him sleeping with another woman) and threatens to murder her entire family if she tries to escape again.
All this made me ask:
After this, we’re treated to a montage of Massimo taking Laura shopping. This goes on for like 5 minutes and it’s set to a song obviously performed by Michele Morrone, the actor that plays Massimo.
A lot of nothing happens for a while. She gets the bright idea to start seducing him any chance she gets.
And with anything she gets.
She does this until he snaps and forces her to watch another woman give him head.
This turns her on so much that she seems ready to put out right there and then. But he just tells her to get dressed and get out. They go to a club where Massimo is meeting with a few colleagues to discuss Mafia business stuff but he gets pissed because Laura is wearing a super-revealing dress, which is insane because he’s the one that insisted she come. In an attempt to piss Massimo off even more (a thing she clearly enjoys doing at this point), she flirts and dirty dances with a random guy in the club who turns out to be a member of a rival Mafia family. The guy tries to force himself on Laura and this makes Massimo whip out two guns from his extremely spacious crotch and threaten to shoot up the place. Laura wakes up on a yacht and overhears Mario, Massimi’s adviser, telling him that something wicked this way comes because he shot a guy. She apologizes for what she did and asks if the guy Massimo shot was the guy who groped her the previous night. He says ‘yes’ and she’s horrified but he doesn’t notice because he’s too busy blaming her for shooting the guy’s hands off, RoboCop style.
They get into a huge fight during which Massimo accidentally (and hilariously) knocks her into the water. He jumps in and rescues her. While all this is happening, Massimo’s adviser, who he was having a conversation with before Laura interrupted, just stands there looking like:
Mario didn’t give a shit. LMAO
When she wakes up, she is shocked to hear that Massimo saved her. Massimo thanks God he was nearby to save her before she drowned, even though HE WAS THE ONE WHO KNOCKED HER OFF THE YACHT. Touched by his “act of kindness,” she offers to eat his penis…
…after which they proceed to have sex ALL OVER the yacht.
I chose this screenshot because I know y’all can’t see shit in it.
After bumping genitals, Massimo says he’s taking Laura to a ball and she freaks out because she has nothing to wear. Massimo solves this problem by summoning two fashion gays to dress her.
You know they’re gay because of the flowery/leopard print suits, limp wrists, and insane amounts of eyeliner.
At the ball, they run into a woman named Anna. It’s revealed that Anna was one of Massimo’s booty calls during the years he spent searching for Laura. After trying and failing to get him to date her officially, she swore to kill the person responsible for his inability to reciprocate her feelings. Laura leaves and Massimo chases after to apologize. He promises to never let anyone hurt her and then they have sex in the PUBLIC BATHROOM.
Did somebody say DISGUSTING?!
As soon as they’re done, he tells her that she has to go visit her family in Poland. She starts to protest but remembers that she has no say whatsoever in this disgusting ass relationship and keeps quiet. He proclaims his love for her and promises to join her in Poland soon, leaving her sitting on the sink of a public bathroom.
In this shot, she’s probably wondering why her life is suddenly a discount ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’
Laura returns to Poland and weeks pass. She reunites with her friend, Olga and explains everything. Olga tells her to stay away from Massimo but Laura says ‘no’ so Olga gives up and suggests they both go to a spa and a night club. Laura runs into her ex-boyfriend, Martin, at the club. Martin follows her home, begging her to take him back. She finds Massimo in her apartment and slaps him for abandoning her for so long. They proceed to have sex in front of a giant open window.
He proposes to her and she accepts on the condition that he doesn’t tell her parents what he does for a living. Laura reveals to Olga that she’s pregnant and Olga tells her not to inform Massimo. Mario (Massimo’s adviser) gets a tip that the rival family (whose member Massimo killed for groping Laura) plans to kill Laura. At that moment, the car Laura is in is shown entering a tunnel but doesn’t come out of the other side. Police cars show up. Massimo finds out what happened from Mario and screams to the sky, even though Laura can’t be dead because the source material for this garbage is a trilogy of books.
But whatever, I guess.
After watching ‘365 Days’, I have to agree with the people who described it as ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ on steroids. Everything about this movie (acting, writing, plot etc) is fucking terrible. It legit took me a week to get through it. That’s how bad it is. If you haven’t seen this movie already, SAVE YOURSELF!!!
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.