Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 2003 Nollywood movie titled, “Blood Sisters” starring Genevieve Nnaji and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde.
The movie starts with Esther (Genevieve) returning home from school with her friend, Chioma. They’re talking shit about one of their teachers when Chioma implies that Esther is an olodo by complaining about how Esther keeps asking her for answers during exams. Esther, who the movie has shown us is hot-headed, is about to whoop Chioma’s ass when her sister, Gloria (Omotola), breaks up the fight.
It kills me that old Nollywood thought putting grown-ass women in pinafores and cornrows was enough to de-age them.
Pissed that her sister didn’t take her side in this fight, Esther rushes home and puts Gloria in trouble with their mother (Patience Ozokwor) by implying that Gloria went somewhere after school. Their mother decides that Gloria must’ve gone a-hoeing so this happens when Gloria gets home:
And the whole time, Esther is just sitting there like:
After Esther puts Gloria in trouble a few more times, Gloria sits Esther down to ask why exactly she’s such a lying ass bitch. Esther reveals that it’s because she’s jealous of Gloria, and, in the same breath, accuses Gloria of using bleaching cream. The conversation ends with Gloria beating the shit out of Esther.
Three years later, both Esther and Gloria are now university babes decked in insane early 2000s fashion. Gloria now has a boyfriend and Esther is super jealous because she hasn’t been able to get a man of her own. One day, Gloria’s boyfriend, Emma, comes to the house when only Esther is home. Esther serves soap opera villain realness by lying and telling Emma that Gloria went to a hotel with another man. Emma believes her and leaves a letter for Gloria to read when she gets back. What follows is this iconic scene:
Distraught and confused, Gloria wants to go beg Emma but Esther threatens to tell their mother if she does. She shames Gloria for crying over a man when there are “plenty fishes in the sea.” The next day, Esther goes to Emma’s house and is like:
But he’s still hurt by Gloria’s “infidelity” so he replies with this:
A few years later, Gloria is happily married to a man named Kenneth (Tony Umez) while Esther is broke and unemployed. Esther shows up at Gloria’s house in Lagos and asks to stay there for a few months while she looks for a job. Kenneth is initially against the idea but acquiesces after Gloria begs. Esther’s reaction when Gloria informs her that she can stay reveals that she’s still the same jealous bitch she’s always been.
I don’t know about y’all but if my sibling who’s dedicated their life to ruining mine asks to come to live with me, I’d say no. But I guess the writer insisted on making Gloria an idiot.
It doesn’t take long for Esther’s jealousy to overwhelm her. So one day, after an argument between her and Gloria, this happens:
This is how Esther decides to kill Gloria. And she does so by feeding her poisoned oranges.
Kenneth comes home with their kids. While he’s parking the car, their kids enter the house and find Gloria sprawled out on the living room floor like a rag doll. Without wondering why their mother is lying on the ground, they start bitching about being hungry.
When she doesn’t move, they scream for their dad, who runs in and goes:
Kenneth takes her to the hospital but it’s too late. When Gloria is pronounced dead, the child actress playing her daughter, Adaobi, proceeds to give the best performance in the entire movie.
How did they get her to cry like this?
Esther waits for three weeks after Gloria’s funeral to start hitting on Kenneth. However, he doesn’t get the hints so she takes things up a notch by visiting him in Lagos, pretending to have a nightmare, and seducing him.
Meanwhile, Kenneth’s kids are in the village with their grandmother and can’t fucking deal because she’s dirt poor and keeps feeding them yam everyday. This is because Esther has stopped Kenneth from visiting them or sending money for their upkeep. While Kenneth and Esther are giving each other googly eyes over giant pieces of chicken and Blue Cocktail…
…the kids have started hawking oranges to survive, which I found HILARIOUS seeing as it was oranges that killed their mother.
When Kenneth’s son, Junior, falls ill, Grandma goes to Lagos to find out why Kenneth hasn’t yet come to see his kids. She gets to the house to find Esther dressed in the official Nollywood madam-of-the-house uniform and visibly pregnant with Kenneth’s child.
Super grossed out by Esther’s actions, she goes back to the village to report to her late husband’s brothers. One of them agrees to go see Kenneth along with Adaobi. When they get there, Adaobi tearfully asks her father why he’s such a deadbeat piece of shit.
Seriously, someone give this girl an Oscar.
Adaobi runs away after her award-winning monologue and is found by the police. When she’s brought back home, Esther looks her in the face and says:
Esther demands that Kenneth retrieve Junior from the village so he can come help with house chores. Grandma is reluctant to let Junior go for fear of him being maltreated so she makes Kenneth swear on Gloria’s grave that he won’t. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how supernatural elements get shoved into the third act of this long ass movie in the form of Gloria’s ghost popping up to watch over her children.
Can my fellow “Sonic Underground” fans MAKE SOME NOISE?!!!
After seeing how Esther treats the kids, Ghost Gloria is like:
And she proceeds to do that.
Ghost Gloria visits Junior and Adaobi’s teacher in her dreams and begs her to go help them. She then visits Kenneth in his dream and tells him to “bring the teacher home.” When Esther goes into labour, Gloria stops the baby from coming out so Esther has to endure labour pains for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT. Then Ghost Gloria kills the baby as soon it’s born and causes Esther to lose her sight.
After a few more weeks of being haunted by Ghost Gloria, Esther returns to the village and confesses to killing Gloria. The elders of the village decide not to kill her (WTF?!) and banish her instead. The night before she’s to be banished, Esther commits suicide by hanging herself.
Which is insane because HOW DID A BLIND PERSON MANAGE TO DO THIS?!
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
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