Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Spiritual Effects of Women Dressing Indecently On Society“
The author starts the book putting women into 2 groups, Deborahs (good Christian woman) and Delilahs (women of the world), and complains that it has gotten incredibly hard to distinguish between the two.
He buttresses his point by saying that Christian women should aim to look different from worldly women because it’s easy to tell, just by looking, the difference between a doctor and a prostitute.
As is custom with the people who write stuff like this, he proceeds to tell a story (in this case, a literal example of “them say, them say”) that ties into the subject matter of the book.
He says he heard the story of a girl named Esther who had just accepted Jesus and was so excited about the prospect of not experiencing an eternity of hot girl summer in hell. Unfortunately for Esther, she attended a church that preached the doctrine of God being more concerned with one’s heart than their appearance so she didn’t know to swap her Brazilian weaves and apple bottom jeans for a scarf and an oversize suit straight out of an Igbo visual album.
However, Esther’s friend had a problem accepting the idea of Esther being a born again Christian and proceeded to laugh at her harder than a hyena on ecstasy. Confused, Esther asked her just what she finds funny and the friend took that as an excuse to go OFF.
So Esther went home that day and “allowed the precious soul to escape from her.”
Even worse, he din’t explain and just ended the story there.
The author shades the churches who teach people the doctrine that was taught the Esther and you just know it took all his energy to not go all out and drop names. Anyways, he says that a good Christian woman serving “Deeper Life chic” with her clothing is important because:
Then he drags Jessica Rabbit.
He tells another story. This time, about a teenage boy he once counselled who was addicted to viciously beating the old sausage.
I meant masturbation. In case that wasn’t clear.
According to him, the boy developed this addiction after years of watching porn on his father’s phone. To be clear, this isn’t a case of a curious child secretly using his father’s phone to watch clips from “Nasty Nurses Revenge.” It’s a case of the father downloading “Backdoor Sluts 9: Day of Reckoning” on his phone for his own consumption and then handing said phone to his child to play with. The boy stumbled on the porn, and the rest is history documented in this god awful book.
What comes next in the story will gross even Lars von Trier out.
It’s funny how the man who literally handed porn to his teenage son is criticising his wife for getting dressed in front of said child as if both of them are not mad.
There’s a thing about how women should dress modestly so as not lure men into having sinful thoughts or engaging in fornication. I stopped here to laugh because since when did women dressing modestly stop men from thinking sinful thoughts?
The author ends the book with a list of ways to know if a person isn’t modestly dressed. You have to see this for yourself.
A woman showing her thighs is pure wickedness? Damn.
Chest hair is sexy, huh? Noted.
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.